It finally happened.
I fought against it.
I told myself I was fine.
I put on a brave face.
I told others I was “just tired”.
I pushed through.
And then I crumbled under the pressure.
2015 sucked. I’ve never had a time in my life where I felt the walls pressing in from all sides-even places I didn’t know existed-and I broke.
Until 2015 I had never felt the fog of depression, the cloak of stress nor the pressure of anxiety. I told myself I was fine, that everything I felt was a result of my circumstances and once those changed-I’d be okay. I told myself that since I could still get out of bed, go to work, my kid’s concerts, the gym, the mom’s blog events…I must be fine. I’m still mostly functioning, so I must not be that bad. But my brave face only lasted so long until I had to leave and the tears unendingly flew down my face as I hurried to the safety of my van.
My kids could only eat so many cereal/frozen food/pizza “dinners,” and have to do homework on their own because mom needed to close her eyes for “5 minutes”(1 hour). And so, the dam broke as chaos abounded, I finally crumbled under the pressure and realized: I am not okay.
That was when I finally reached out to a new, but wise, friend and asked to talk. I spilled my guts, I wept, I plead for answers and the “Ah-ha” moment that was going to “fix everything and set me straight”. She didn’t have answers, but she did speak one sentence over me I will never forget.
“Laura, why does it have to be perfect? Why can’t it look ugly right now, because it is ugly right now. You can have faith and still be a mess.”
I never felt like I was a perfectionist, my husband-yes, but me? What I did realize is that I was trying so hard to keep everything the same even though my life wasn’t remotely the same as it had been. I was grieving the loss of WHO I was, what I used to be and what life looked like before it shattered into a thousand pieces, and I was failing because I couldn’t measure up to my own standards.
Once I let all that go, I could finally breathe. There are days I have to remember to breathe within the chaos, but I’m much kinder to myself and remembering the chaos may change me(helping me grow) but it doesn’t define who I am.
May I encourage you to reach out to someone if you’re feeling lost, stuck or hopeless? Don’t stay within yourself, open up and have the freedom to say ” I”m not okay.”
You are not alone.