It finally happened.

I fought against it.

I told myself I was fine.

I put on a brave face.

I told others I was “just tired”.

I pushed through.

And then I crumbled under the pressure.

2015 sucked. I’ve never had a time in my life where I felt the walls pressing in from all sides-even places I didn’t know existed-and I broke.


Until 2015 I had never felt the fog of depression, the cloak of stress nor the pressure of anxiety. I told myself I was fine, that everything I felt was a result of my circumstances and once those changed-I’d be okay. I told myself that since I could still get out of bed, go to work, my kid’s concerts, the gym, the mom’s blog events…I must be fine. I’m still mostly functioning, so I must not be that bad. But my brave face only lasted so long until I had to leave and the tears unendingly flew down my face as I hurried to the safety of my van.

My kids could only eat so many cereal/frozen food/pizza “dinners,” and have to do homework on their own because mom needed to close her eyes for “5 minutes”(1 hour). And so,  the dam broke as chaos abounded, I finally  crumbled under the pressure and realized: I am not okay.

That was when I finally reached out to a new, but wise, friend and asked to talk. I spilled my guts, I wept, I plead for answers and the “Ah-ha” moment that was going to “fix everything and set me straight”. She didn’t have answers, but she did speak one sentence over me I will never forget.

“Laura, why does it have to be perfect? Why can’t it look ugly right now, because it is ugly right now. You can have faith and still be a mess.”

I never felt like I was a perfectionist, my husband-yes, but me? What I did realize is that I was trying so  hard to keep everything the same even though my life wasn’t remotely the same as it had been. I was grieving the loss of WHO I was, what I used to be and what life looked like before it shattered into a thousand pieces, and I was failing because I couldn’t measure up to my own standards.


Once I let all that go, I could finally breathe. There are days I have to remember to breathe within the chaos, but I’m much kinder to myself and remembering the chaos may change me(helping me grow) but it doesn’t define who I am.

May I encourage you to reach out to someone if you’re feeling lost, stuck or hopeless? Don’t stay within yourself, open up and have the freedom to say ” I”m not okay.”

You are not alone.

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9 Responses to I AM NOT OKAY

  1. Sheri February 19, 2016 at 6:58 am #

    Beautiful post, Laura. Been there! I was also blessed to have a friend I finally opened up to and admitted that I wasn’t okay. Here’s to a much better 2016!

    • Laura
      Laura February 19, 2016 at 12:31 pm #

      Thank you sheri, it means a lot to have someone speak truth into your life!

  2. CJ February 19, 2016 at 7:47 am #

    LOVE LOVE LOVE!!! I appreciate you being ‘off the ledge’. =) Normal is different for everyone and chaos is different for everyone. What matters is how you navigate them.

    • Laura
      Laura February 19, 2016 at 12:30 pm #

      So true. Thank you friend.

  3. Jenny February 19, 2016 at 1:19 pm #

    Good stuff Laura. We all need a wise friend like that in our lives and to let go of our broken ideals! I’m finding myself in the same place often these days.

  4. Aly February 19, 2016 at 1:59 pm #

    Wow… this is really meaningful to me right now because I feel like I am here right now. Whenever I feel like I’m in a rough spot, though, I hesitate to reach out to someone because I don’t get to talk to friends that often… I feel like whenever I do its always venting about my struggles. Like I come off as if all I do is complain. Right now I’m in the hardest place ever in my life as a wife, mother and employee, and it’s probably when I should get help, but I’m afraid I’ll be written off as an ungrateful whiner. 🙁

  5. Tina February 19, 2016 at 7:48 pm #

    Good for you for recognizing it. I had a similar moment a few weeks ago. I had heard myself say “I’m OK” so many times that day. I finally called a friend and said, “I keep saying I’m OK. I’m not OK.” Luckily, she let me unload and talked me through to the point where I could say, “I’m not OK…but I will get there again.”

    • Laura
      Laura February 19, 2016 at 9:55 pm #

      We will. Even if it’s a daily battle, pressing forward, and resting when needed.

  6. Rhonda February 22, 2016 at 5:38 pm #

    Whoa. What a day to read this. The last two days I have been feeling so much anxiety and stress telling myself I need to figure it out. I made my action plan this afternoon and the first on the list is talk to someone. Thanks for the open and honest post. We are not alone in this journey.

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